Going Forward...

Seattle, WA

Former Seattle Mayor Greg Nickles continues to evolve by pursuing an acting career. I was fortunate enough to catch up with him at a local fundraiser where he had just announced that he accepted the role of Scott Howard,in the upcoming movie Teen Wolf 3 (release date 2015). He was more than thrilled to begin shooting and has has already started growing his hair out for the role. When I asked him about his new endeavors, his only comment was “there is more to life than my local pea patch.” Wow! I thought to myself. He is even began to take on the smug Hollywood attitude. Oh well, who wouldn’t? Pictured above, are the producers and director Michelle J. Fox (right), who were on hand to help him celebrate the occasion. I was met with a cold shoulder when I asked if the character Boof would make an appearance in the new movie. I will try to keep you updated if I find out more information. Make us proud Greg!

LowTide

Guess what?...Oh, nothing

Seattle, WA

The WNBA season is now in full swing. Did you know that? I just found out myself. I did a little "research" and found out there are actually 12 teams. Here's a fun game, how many can you name? Well, How did you do? Here is a scoring breakdown;

0-1 teams: normal
1+ teams: Sports Guru

Also through my research I learned Connecticut has a team. I had never heard of that city and was more surprised to find out it is a state. And Seattle has a team. Not a NBA team but a WNBA team. I learned they play in a place called Key Arena which is named after some banking institution. They have a word on their jersey that reads Bing. Supposedly this is some kind of search engine for the internet.

Hmm.

Normal weather brings in annual June Joke Off

Seattle, WA
Western Washington is in the middle of the biggest at-work comedy festival of the year. Typical cool temperatures mixed with average rainfall is providing employers and employees with some golden opportunities to display their talents. "It's the biggest showcase of the year!" raved one fan. "It's even bigger than the People Can't Drive in Snow Festival."

One employee at REI left his coworker in stitches, literally. When Jake Riley showed up to work wet from his bike commute he cracked," Man, that sure was a nice summer we had last week." This gut buster got his coworker laughing so hard, he fell from the climbing wall and naturally, on to a pile of tent stakes.

Then there was the ten year employee at the Northgate Zoopa who kidded as she headed out the door, "So, should I use my winter umbrella, or my summer umbrella?" The place went hysterical. Coworker Lucy said, "Wow! She is usually so quiet. I didn't know she was capable of such flimflam."

But the current leader this year is the always smug Leonard Watts at the state DOT, who caused a minor work stoppage due to uncontrollable laughter around the office. When asked what the weather was supposed to be like the next day, Leonard's dead pan delivery sealed the deal. "If you can see Mt Rainier it is going to rain. If you can't see it, it already is." New hire Dave summed it up best. "I am so lucky to have a cubicle across from him. He takes comedy to a new level."

Thanks Washington State...Keep on Giving

Here at The Apple we can sometimes have a tendency to get down on certain politics or events. But it comes from a deep seeded love for the state. Especially things like this. Where else could you find an event such as the image above? When this photo came across my desk it left me speechless for an article as well as beaming with pride.

Sure socks and sandals is an easy go to, and is even more ridiculous to be matched up with a tuxedo. Or it might be easy to call out hiking boots and sweatshirts on a beach. But what makes this so great (and so Washington) is the actual event itself. The assumed emcee of this event is obviously prepared as he is holding a handful of notes and questions. And for who you might wonder the big affair? A fucking dog.

As much as I wish I was at this event, I wasn't. So here I am left to speculate on what this dog might have to say that merits this event. An event so great that there are children standing around with balloons! Yes, even the balloon sales guy is cashing in on this spectacle.

I can only imagine the dog spoke of the looming budget deficit or the lack of sunshine we have seen for the last 8 months or so. But instead I am told the dog is the Grand Champion Seagull Caller. Again, thank you Washington.

Washington State Patrol escorts goose family off of I-90......and on to killing fields...

Mercer Island, WA
Washington State Patrol troopers successfully implemented a "rolling waterfowl roadblock" maneuver on Wednesday, safely escorting a family of geese off of I-90.

Passers-by and motorists alike were inspired by the heartwarming gesture of the state's top law enforcement office. "Awwwwwwwww," said Factoria resident Gail Richards.  "Isn't that just the most precious thing! Aren't they just lovely? I just love geese! I hope those troopers find them a nice, quiet home off the exit ramp near some goose food and away from all this hustle and bustle."

However, it's what the cameras didn't show on Wednesday that have left residents of this wealthy, uppity and unusually stupid island community in an uproar.

The Washington Apple has learned that soon after escorting the homeless geese off the state's busiest freeway, they fired what was the first of 498 deadly shots from their service weapons.  Once the cloud of smoke and goose feathers mixed with goose blood had cleared, 4 geese lay dead, 2 others lay wounded, and a squirrel who apparently was "in the way" was "accidentally" bludgeoned with a State Patrol-issued flashlight.

While the State Patrol went to extraordinary lengths to avoid any witnesses, we were able to track down one man who happened to be in the immediate area, who was able to describe the event in enough detail that our graphics team was able to create an artist's rendition of the events.

"Finally my taxes go to something worthwhile," said witness and Bellevue resident Rob McKenna.  "Those blowhards in Olympia spend tax dollar after tax dollar on schools, and for what? The only problem I have with what happened here is that they should have just run them down on the freeway with their patrol cars.  How much did those bullets cost? I'm not going to pay for them. Are you?"

4 out of 10? Really, Washington?

40 percent of Washingtonians believe Sasquatch might exist

Hello readers!  Just a quick programming note…I’ve asked our good friend Squatch to drop by and provide some commentary on the news that broke today over at the Seattle PI online. We’re happy to have him.

Hello Washington.  Squatch here.  Squatch sad.  Squatch kinda surprised to open www.seattlepi.com on iPad 2 today and read distrurbing article about self. 

Washington…why only 4 out of 10 of you believe in Squatch?  (Squatch take timeout from article now…Squatch’s favorite Mariner Carlos Peguero hit home run…Squatch excited…where Mariner bats been?  Squatch start to think maybe people find Squatch before Mariners find bats…)

Anyway…Squatch remember when Washington loved Squatch!  Now Squatch think he maybe move to up and coming state like Oregon……..haha…who Squatch kidding…Squatch probably stay here.

Squatch think long and hard about which online publication to reveal self in.  Seattle Times? Too absorbed with self.  Plus Squatch think Geoff Baker terrible and should move back to Toronto.  KOMO online? Please…even Squatch done with them.  USS Mariner?  Maybe, but Dave Cameron even seem too busy to pay attention to Squatch anymore.

Squatch settled on only real choice…Washington Apple!  Squatch and Washington Apple staff be friendly for years. Squatch love timely articles and hard hitting questions.  No one ask Squatch, but Squatch LOVE new look and feel too…much cleaner….plus Squatch can “like” on Facebook.  Also…Squatch hate Aplet and Cotlet.

So…Squatch real, Washington…Squatch real…Squatch Washington strong…like viaduct.  Now that Squatch reveals self, Squatch expect Pemco to call….maybe offer Squatch more savings on cave insurance.

BTW – Where LowTide and Radulartooth?  Squatch find it funny he post before them…and Squatch not even on Apple payroll!

It’s standing room only on the 2011 Seattle Mariners bandwagon for sea lions

Seattle, WA

The faint glimmer of hope that is not being the perennial worst team in baseball has been creeping ever so slowly back into the lives of Seattle Mariners fans.  If you are among those considering climbing aboard the bandwagon and enjoying a long-awaited summer of down to the wire playoff battles, and you're also a sea lion, you'd better look somewhere else, because you may have already been left behind.

While human attendance levels at Safeco Field continue a record-breaking plummet to depths previously known only to residents of the legendary and much-storied lingcod city, many local sea lions have taken to our resurgent, scrappy band of hometown baseballers like a fish to water, or a cat to a fish, or a Swede to stupid, or a baby to electrical outlets…(jesus, this article is awful…apologies…maybe it’ll get better…I hope for your sake that it does…)

For fan Horace C. Lyon, the Mariners’ long, slow road back to possible contention has been a godsend.  “Oh man…I’ve been a fan since I was a pup,” said Horace.  “When I was growing up in the old Ballard locks, my brother Whiskers and I were the biggest Mariners fans.  I loved Chris Bosio.  There was just something about him…”

While he certainly shares his brother’s enthusiasm for his favorite team, Whiskers C. Lyon's passion is less directed toward pitching and more toward the defensive side of the diamond. “Yeah, I know Horace was a huge Bosio fan, but it's speed and defense that win championships.  You need outfielders who can run and catch. I was so into Henry Cotto for the longest time.  He had speed and boy could he play defense.  And he had speed too."

While they might disagree on their favorite all-time Mariner, there is no doubt the two brothers see eye to eye on one thing - a potentially fun summer, and a bright future for Mariners fans.  "You never know," said Horace. "The pitching's been carrying to team up to this point, for sure.  The offense has to get better. And I know, there are a ton of questions to be answered. What's wrong with Chone Figgins? Where is Jack Cust's power? Can a bullpen of nobodies keep fooling the rest of the American League? Do we make a play for a couple of bats at the trade deadline? It's going to be a wild ride."

With a simple and deliberate nod in Horace's direction, Whiskers demonstrates his solidarity and agreement with his brother. "In Z we trust," said Whiskers. "Go Mariners!"

-  Clambaker