State-Off #4: Oklahoma…where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain…in the form of a giant, spinning, wind cylinder of death filled with corn, cows, tractors, and morbidly obese people who eat chili-cheese-fries for dinner…

Yeah yeah yeah…I know. It’s not fair. Pitting Oklahoma against Washington is like pitting the Seattle Storm ladies basketball squad against a three-legged duck with Down syndrome (with one of its three legs super-glued to its beak). Sure, the final score might be close, but it just wouldn’t be any fun to watch. Wait…what am I saying? That would actually be pretty fun to watch!! (Hmmmm…in retrospect, this isn’t a very good analogy…but I’m too lazy to go back and come up with a better one…do you mind? No? Okay good. Let’s continue…)

But guess what? Sometimes life isn’t fair! There are 49 other shitty states out there and we had to get to Oklahoma some time. And let’s be honest, at the rate Washington Apple articles have been churned out lately, you’re lucky you get it now and not in your 80’s. Who knows what MC Razor, LowTide and I will be writing about in 2062? You can’t take that risk!

Let’s get this over with…