The Most Important Election Ever, in History, and the World, and Space

Olympia, WA
It only seems like last year that Booth Gardner was standing on his podium demanding that Mr. Gorbachev tear down that wall, and yet here we are at another Governor election. I would assume by this point everyone is clear on the issues and the ideas the candidates plan on implementing, but I know the truth... No one gives a shit. So let's highlight a few topics here that are really in the hearts of the voters.

Rob McKenna                                                                Jay Inslee
Never been to Woodland Park Zoo                                Never been to Zoolights
Thinks Ashton is better on Two and a Half Men             Sheen, likes the original
Doesn't care for Apollo Ono's soul patch                       Beat Megan Quann in
                                                                                        a backstoke race
Once ate a spotted owl for survival                                Doesn't believe in bald eagles
Total ski bum                                                                  Scared to drive over the pass
Applebee's                                                                      Olive Garden
Sleeps till noon on Saturdays                                         Goes to bed at noon

This should help clear up any questions you had about the candidates. And be sure to get out there and vote, because if you don't, no one will win...Or someone will still win, I guess it doesn't matter.

State-Off #5 - Florida vs. Washington

Hey, look at that! We’re 10% into the state-off competitions! If we continue at our present rate, we’ll be finished with all of the states by 2021.

2021!! The future!!

Think about that for a second. What do you think you’ll be doing in 2021?

HAHA! Sucker! You’re going to be doing the same thing you’re doing now…except you’ll be much older…and uglier…WAY uglier, even. Look in the mirror. Picture your eyelid 4 inches further down your face. Take your ear and stretch it to 3 times its current size and cover it in hair and dark spots. This is what you’re going to look like. You’re hideous!

Have you ever noticed how most people look toward the future? Like the future is some amazing thing to look forward to? Well, let me tell you something. Those people are dumb! The future is your worst enemy!

There’s nothing in the future for you but certain death! Your body will age and begin to fail…you will grow out of touch with reality…everyone you know will start dying…want to get a preview of your future? Here you go…