Every year it’s the same damn thing……turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, yelling at your family…racist Aunt Betty…………and what are you left with? A big pile of dishes, cleaning up the dogshit Aunt Betty’s Pomeranian left in the corner of your living room, and another boring, unsatisfying carb bomb in everyone’s belly.
Well fear
not, loyal reader! By golly, this year it’s going to be different! And we here
at the Washington Apple want to arm you with the weapons you’ll need to launch
a full-scale, nuclear Armageddon-style flavor invasion into the taste buds of
your family and guests. And after you’ve raped, pillaged and plundered every
last taste bud in Aunt Betty’s mouth, think of the satisfaction you’ll feel.
On a side
note, have you ever thought about the word “taste bud?” It’s pretty
simple-minded when you think about it. Like the person who named the taste bud
purposely dumbed it down so the rest of us would understand what he/she was
talking about. “Oh…most dumbdumbs won’t understand what an ‘activating,
reticulated flavor actualizer’ is, so fuck it…let’s just call them ‘taste buds.’
I don’t know about you, but I find that insulting. What the fuck is a taste
bud? It’s supposed to be some little buddy that tastes food for you? Or is the “bud”
like the bud of a flower? If that’s the case, I don’t even understand what they’re
going for. Doesn’t the bud grow into the flower? Will my taste buds one day
grow into taste flowers? It doesn’t make any sense!!! Madness!!! These are the
things I think about so you don’t have to! You should be paying me! Hey…why
AREN’T you paying me???? You think this content just writes itself?
With that, I’d
like to introduce you to the meal to end all meals…we’re talking about the meal
that’s going to win back your friends and family and catapult you to a new
level of respect in the eyes of your peers…overnight!
BEHOLD
THANKSGIVING 2013!!
Butterscotch Pork
This dish brings
together and marries two of the more popular flavors of 2013 into one giant, multi-orgasm
food orgy…
Recently, I
learned that pork is “the other white meat.” But don’t worry…black people like
it too!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Your Aunt Betty is going to love that joke…almost
as much as she’s going to love Butterscotch Pork!
What you’ll
need:
- 1 piece of piggy flesh big enough to cut into one or two smaller pieces of piggy flesh for every one of your guests. Simply multiply the number of guests you expect times the maximum number of piggy flesh pieces you think they can eat, and then carry the 3 and add 1 piece of piggy flesh for every Swede on your guest list. Swedes can’t resist piggy flesh, Butterscotch, touching hot surfaces, or capitulating to the Nazis without a fight, so keep that in mind. Whatever you do, DO NOT turn your back on any Swedish guests you may have…EVER! I don’t know why you even invited Swedes to your house in the first place, but hey, it’s your Thanksgiving/funeral…I’m not here to judge...
- 4
pounds of Butterscotch candies. (Note: NO YOU DUMBDUMB…you cannot substitute Werthers Originals. However, you CAN substitute Butterscotch Magic Shell ice cream topper, if you have some.)
Steps to
success:
- Cut up the piggy flesh.
- Dump all 4 pounds of butterscotch candies into a pot. Turn the burner on low. Melt the fucking butterscotch candies. You'll probably need some butter in there too.
- Marinate the piggy flesh in your melted butterscotch mixture or Magic Shell topping for 3 to 112 hours.
- Keep one eye on any Swedes in your house at all times. In the time it took you to cut up that piggy flesh, they could have stolen all of your children and sold them as sex slaves to other Swedes.
- Cook the piggy flesh up real good.
- Serve the rest of the butterscotch
topping in a gravy boat. Encourage liberal usage of the butterscotch.
BUT MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ANOTHER GRAVY BOAT AVAILABLE!!!!! BECAUSE……………………………..
Gravy Syrup…or
what we like to call, “GRAVEUP!™”
Yep. This is
exactly what it sounds like. Half gravy…half maple syrup! Bam! Graveup™! And
you’re going to love Graveup!™ ! And it’s the easiest thing ever! The best
part? You can literally put this magical concoction on anything.
What you’ll
need:
- Gravy
- Maple syrup
- A sense of adventure
Steps to
success:
- Make gravy
- Dump enough maple syrup in to double the amount of total liquid. You’re looking for the 50-50 gravy/syrup ratio that Graveup™ requires.
- Pour it on everything…breakfast…lunch….dinner…dessert…your lover’s naughty places…
What’s for
dessert? Why, Milkshake Tacos of course!!
Get ready,
because your milkshake tacos will definitely bring all of the boys to the yard.
And they’re not going to leave until they’ve licked and eaten every last bite
of your milkshake…tacos.
What you’ll
need:
- A few large milkshakes. Any flavor will do.
- One large flour tortilla for every milkshake taco you plan on creating. Substitute corn tortillas for any weak, gluten-intolerant pussies who can’t handle flour.
Steps to
success:
- Lay out your tortilla flat, on a flat surface. You’re done with the days of laying tortillas on inclines or concave surfaces.
- Dump one entire large milkshake onto the flat tortilla.
- Drizzle copious amounts of GRAVEUP™ over everything.
- Wrap the tortilla tightly.
- Drizzle more GRAVEUP™
- Enjoy!
-
Clambaker
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