Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,

Will you take back my rib, try again, and turn it into another cool dude who hates soccer and likes huckleberry jam sandwiches and poop jokes?

Thank You!

Love,

 - Clambaker

"The Sounders are dumb," say Washingtonians

We asked you how much you like salmon, and you told us the Sounders are dumb...and I'm pretty sure it's scientific...wait...maybe I mean science-riffic? It's one of those two...

Go stupid, Sounders!

Percy Harvin Exposed in Bizarre Seahawk Cheating Scandal

Seattle WA,

The Seahawks traded away one of teams top talents as rumors began to circulate about a behind the scenes real life soap opera taking place. Kent Phillips of Star101.5 broke the story after hearing of a locker room brawl between Percy Harvin and former teammate and roommate Golden Tate. Seahawk mascot Blitz was seen storming out of the locker room shortly after.

Reader Poll!

If I had to pick an animal to be instantly transformed into because I rubbed an old lamp three times and a genie came out......I would pick bear. Why? Because I would get to eat salmon! Duh!

How much do YOU like salmon? VOTE TO THE RIGHT!! >>>>>>

Emerald City? More like Compote City…

Have you been out to eat in this city recently? Wait…what am I saying? Of course you have! Your micro apartment doesn’t have a kitchen! And now that you make at least $15/hr, you can afford to! Am I the only one who’d never had a compote until my ex-girlfriend dragged me to some “foodie” restaurant that opened up in some old mattress factory and started serving poached seagull eggs and octopus roe on spelt toast and drizzled with stinging nettle compote for $35???

FUCK!!!!!!!

Dear Mr. Douglas… if you really want to get in touch with the roots of Northwest eating and culinary traditions, you should make an appointment to come talk to me and staff at the Washington Apple. I grew up around here and we never had any compote. You want an idea for a menu item for one of your restaurants? Here’s a go-to from my family's playbook growing up…Tater Tot Hamburger Casserole. Bam!

Seattle proposes new Yessler Terrace...A Perfect Escape Plan for Kidnappers!

Feb 13, 2014,

If you live anywhere near seattle you have probably found yourself at one point trying to walk up 10th Ave to get to Boren Ave only to discover it is a dead end. With the new development planned by the city council, those days are about to come to end. The new stairwell/ramp up the hillside seems like the perfect plan to connect these communities...or is it?

At first glance, everyone seems to be enjoying a typical Seattle day hanging out on the north end of the International District. But a closer look and you will see an underground train of child abduction. The masterminds behind this plan want you to believe this is a beautifying project, when it is actually a pathway for children to start a life in the downtown sweatshops. The new stairwell makes this process so easy, children can even be hauled away two at a time! And the only person trying to prevent this injustice is confined to a wheelchair who is consistently blocked by a man wearing a white sweater. If you see any of these people, report them immediately.

The Men's Corner: Tips on Fashion, Romance, and Etiquette for the Gentleman

Feb 10, 2014,

Valentine's Day is this week. Seriously, go ahead and complain but it doesn't do you any good. You are going to have to deal with it. But don't worry, we are here to help. Right now it is probably too late to get reservations at a nice restaurant. Even though you really didn't want to because it's going to be so busy and you're going to have to drive around looking for parking while your girlfriend or wife keeps saying, "I think that's a spot!" And you can clearly tell that it's not a spot but you have to drive by and show her that it is a driveway because it's Valentine's Day.

So what to do. You already took the easy road this Christmas and bought her a Russell Wilson jersey, which couldn't have turned out better. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for that one. And if you come home from work with a Safeway bouquet and a bottle of your favorite wine again this year, it won't go well. Plus, the Safeway parking lot is so crowded on Valentine's Day. You have to park way in the back and everyone just walks in front of your car and expects you to stop because they are on foot. So avoid that headache and head over to the International Market and get ready to make her the romantic meal she has been dreaming of.

Valentine's Day is the most romantic day of the year and its origins can be traced back to where all love originally comes from, Bangkok. And one of the romantic traditions there is to make your loved one an egg salad sandwich. But you have to do it right.

Lady's Choice Sandwich Spread comes directly from Thailand and is made with the woman in mind. Don't just go out and buy any mayonnaise for this egg salad sandwich, make sure you choose the one that is specifically engineered for the delicate digestive tract of a woman. She will appreciate it as it easily moves down her feminine esophagus, around her dainty cardia, and through that cute little duodenum. Plus, Lady's Choice is guaranteed 99% GERM FREE. Try to find out how many germs are in other brands, they don't even label it!

So surprise her this year with this ancient romantic tradition. She will know that love is in the year as the smell of hard boiled eggs drifts throughout the house. And put that shit on a plate, don't just wrap it in a paper towel and hand it to her. This is Valentine's Day. Also, it might help if you have a good buzz on when she comes home, you're a lot nicer when you've been drinking.

The Preparation

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Hey, won't you play another Somebody done somebody wrong song...

If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break...When the levee breaks, I'll have no place to stay.